


My Dearest, Kagome...

by InusSunflower



Category: InuYasha - A Feudal Fairy Tale
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst and Feels, Death, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Everyone Needs A Hug, F/M, Feels, Grief/Mourning, Grieving Inuyasha, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Letters, Mental Anguish, Modern Era, POV First Person, Parent Higurashi Kagome, Past Higurashi Kagome/InuYasha, Sad, Tears, Tissue Warning, inuyasha - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-22
Updated: 2020-10-10
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:34:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 6,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25433965
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InusSunflower/pseuds/InusSunflower
Summary: Inuyasha writes a letter every day to Kagome to sooth his broken heart since her death. They start the same way every time."My dearest, Kagome."And they end the same way... every time."Forever yours, Inuyasha."**NOMINATED FOR BEST ANGST 4TH QUARTER FEUDAL CONNECTIONS AWARD 2020**
Relationships: Higurashi Kagome/InuYasha
Comments: 15
Kudos: 25





	1. Letter One

**Author's Note:**

> Surprise!!! This sad idea came to me in a dream actually, about a month ago and it hasn't left me alone since. This story will be told through the letters Inuyasha writes to Kagome in heaven. This is will be a real tear jerker, so I'd suggest you have some tissues near while you read. Please enjoy! 
> 
> Much love, Ana.

My dearest, Kagome 

It’s been a year. Our daughter still asks of you; I am struggling to find new excuses for her. I can’t bring myself to tell her mommy isn’t coming back, that mommy died because her organs failed her after 7 long,  heart wrenching months in a coma in the ICU. That the reason she died is because one day at work a man walked in with a gun and started shooting. She doesn’t even know what a gun is yet. She didn’t go to your funeral, I’m sorry. I know it must have broken your heart to see your little girl wasn’t next to me as we lowered your coffin, but I couldn’t bring her with me that day. 

I simply couldn’t. 

All this to say, I am running out of excuses. Every time she asks of you, I stop breathing for a few seconds, looking into her tiny light brown eyes, wondering what I’m going to say this time. And each time, I make something up. You’re always on a trip, in some new country, with a new job.  Every once in a while,  I buy a toy on my way home from work, put it in a box, label it and hand it to her. I always say mommy got it for her from whatever country you’re “in” now. I’ve done this for the past few months. I’m not sure what I'm going to say once she catches onto my trick, though. She’s always been so smart, just like her mother. She’s been doing great in school lately, Kagome. She won the 1 st grade spelling bee  competition last week, I sadly couldn’t make it, but  Miroku and Sango went in my place. She was happy enough with them. I can hear you already telling me off for not making it. I'm sorry! Ever since you’ve  passed, I’ve had to pick up another job as an  adjunct professor at another college, your alma mater. I teach history there. A little different from my usual teaching subject...but close enough. 

I’m eating well,  err , at least better than I was at first. Kaede comes over every few days and makes  Moroha and I real food. She makes sure the house is orderly, as we both know that my  slobbish ways were your biggest pet-peeve in taking me as your husband. My office has remained the same as always. Maps, artifacts and compasses strewn about. My bookcase has yet to be organized, and so many books are shoved into the top crevices of the bookshelves, jammed in there like I would jam clothes into my luggage when I would go on expeditions. Kaede has tried repeatedly to persuade me to let her clean my office, as she finds just peering into it enough to induce her  claustrophobia . Each time, however, I tell her no. She doesn’t ask why, but it’s because this is how my office was last left when we had that disagreement (as you can see, I still refuse to call it an argument). It truly is silly now that I think about it. All you asked is if I could pretty please pick up some of my mess. I refused. 

We argued. Went to bed mad at each other. The next day the unthinkable happened. 

I’ll regret that day for the rest of my life now. 

Essentially, the state of my office is the last memory I have of you. Well, this coupled with your clothes is all I have left of you physically being here. Your scent is gone now. The day I entered our home and couldn’t smell you anymore was the day I finally cried. I remember coming in, and taking off my shoes, placing them by the door next to the last pair of shoes you took off inside the house. When I set down my suitcase, I took a deep breathe, and noticed that the only scent in the air was mine, and our daughters. Yours had gone. 

I try not to think about that day too much—lest I cry. I try not to show  Moroha how badly your passing has affected me, I hope I’m doing a good job putting up a good front. But most nights, when I'm alone, and reach toward your side of the bed and am met with nothingness...

It hurts, Kagome. 

I’m sorry. 

I wasn’t the best friend, or the best boyfriend, or husband. I am, however trying to be the best father I can be, for her. 

She’s the only thing keeping me going now, Kagome. 

I spend my  friday nights alone, as I send  Moroha to  Miroku and Sango’s house, like we used to when we would have our date nights. 

I sit on the couch in the dark, and have a glass of wine. 

Cabernet. 2015. Your favorite. 

Then I listen to your favorite song. 

Roslyn, by Bon Iver. Sometimes, I'll listen to it  till I fall asleep. 

I eat alone, at a table set for two. I light a candle, and say a prayer in your name. 

I pray you’re alright up there. I hope you got put on the biggest cloud.

This is the first of many letters I will write to you, my dearest. 

I miss you. 

I love you...so much. 

Forever yours,  Inuyasha. 


	2. Letter Two

My dearest, Kagome 

I’m trying.  Moroha deserves some semblance of a normal life without you, so I took her to my parent’s beach house for the weekend. Today is  Friday night, here at the beach. I’m sitting on the back porch, writing this to you. I wish you were here, Kagome. It’s beautiful tonight. Of course, the sky isn’t clear enough to see the stars, but I like to think you’re the brightest star in the sky, not just tonight, but  _ every  _ night. The moon is full tonight, so I'm human. It hurts so much more on nights like this. 

I remember you liked to lay in the hammock on the back porch of this house at night, when we would come here. You used to say the sound of the waves were calming. Remember when you used to lay against me in the hammock, and I would run my fingers through your hair? I miss those days so much. I didn’t tell you much, but I was happy back then...with you. I know you often questioned if I loved you; I did. I’m sorry I didn’t work on our relationship with as much  fervor as I have on my career. I suppose it’s too late to put work into our relationship now...but I hope these letters make up for it. 

I know you loved letters. 

When I got home from work today, I found  Moroha nuzzled into Kaede’s side, holding one of your favorite sweaters to her tiny chest, asleep. I suppose she got tired of crying for you. It happens less often now, but she started crying after I took her for the last time to see you in the hospital. It was a week before I allowed them to...let you go. I can already hear you saying “why not just say pull the plug?”. You always were so nonchalant about death, as I was. But...people change when the person they love the most on this miserable earth dies. 

Especially when they die slowly. In front of you. 

And  you're hopeless. 

Helpless. 

For a man who is well versed in the strife that life can give you...your passing was a new level of strife to me. It was as if god had taken a giant nail, and rammed it as far through my chest as he possibly could, up to that point, and then he walked away for a bit. But then he remembered me and came back, ripping the nail out of my chest; digging his fingernails into my wound, playing with it as if it was some toy for him. Maybe I am a toy for him. 

I suppose the helplessness I felt (and still feel) can be most closely compared to when you had a miscarriage with our first  pregnancy . You were hurting, both physically and mentally...and there was very little I, or anyone, could do to help you. You were despondent for months. 

Perhaps, this is what you felt like? 

Did you fall into a deep, dark, cold abyss as I have? 

Was it deeper? Darker? Colder? I could sense your despondence for months...and yet you would put on a brave face, and shoulder through the war within you like nothing was wrong. God, you were so strong. I’m trying to be as strong as you were back then. For  Moroha , of course. 

She likes the beach just as much as you did, Kagome. 

She could spend hours sitting on the shore, letting the waves hit her little legs, giggling endlessly. Her favorite thing now is to take my compasses whenever she can, and pretend she’s a pirate looking for treasure. She asked me the other day if you were a pirate, looking for lost treasure. She asked if that was why you hadn’t been home for the past year. 

I told her yes. 

I don’t want to ruin her happiness Kagome. At least, not yet. She’s only five. I know she’s wondering about  it; I suppose she’ll ask me about what happened when she’s ready, and stops believing my stories. 

I talked with  Sesshomaru yesterday. He told me it’s time I move on...I should get a therapist. I’m not exactly sure about how I feel with his suggestion. You know  Sesshomaru and I were never exactly the closest of  half-brothers , per se. I don’t feel ready to talk about your passing yet. 

It’s too much...still. 

I love you, Kagome. 

Moroha and I miss you. 

Forever Yours, Inuyasha. 


	3. Letter Three

My dearest, Kagome

Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow creeps in this petty pace from day to day. It’s a line from Macbeth, your favorite Shakespearian play. I suppose its same sentiments can be applied to my life without you, my love. I've found myself settling into quite a monotonous lifestyle. My days go as follows: 

First. I awake, and then awake our little girl. She moans and groans (just as you would) about having to wake up, until I pull the covers off of her. 

Second. I ready her for school, and give her breakfast. Then we head out the door. I wait for her at the corner of our street, as she tells me about what is happening at school today. I give her a kiss before she boards the bus, and wave as it drives away. Sometimes she sticks her hand out the window and waves back. 

Third. I ready myself for the day. I shower, make myself a cup of coffee, and watch the news while I stand at the kitchen counter, eating whatever remnants of food our daughter may have left on her plate. You used to hate when I would eat standing up. You used to say it made you anxious. I do it all the time now, just to annoy your spirit in the morning. 

Fourth. I speak with Kaede about what  Moroha and I may want to eat this week. She tries her best to accommodate our requests. I speak with  Miroku and Sango about child care for the week. 

Fifth. I drive to work. It’s boring. 

Sixth. I work...also boring. Work isn’t the same without you here, Kagome. I miss you sending me flowers before every big conference. They were so beautiful every time. The last boquet you sent me wasn’t long before...it happened. They still sit in my office. In fact, they sit right next to the picture I have of you and our daughter on my desk. I haven’t the heart to throw them away. Perhaps I’ll put them in a shadowbox and hang them somewhere in the house? What do you think? 

I find myself holding on to anything that may have some semblance of your existence in this world of ours. Any birthday cards, pictures, gifts, clothing...anything—I keep it. 

Seventh. I pick up  Moroha from  Miroku and Sango’s if she’s there. Sometimes she’s at home with Kaede. I hug her, tightly, every time I come home. I make sure to tell her I love her. Before I do anything else; I listen to what she has to say about her day. Like you used to do, when you would come home from work. Sometimes what she says doesn’t make sense, but I try my hardest to appear amazing by all the wonderful things she did at school. I greet Kaede, and sit down to have dinner. Usually when I arrive, she and  Moroha have already eaten dinner, and done homework. 

Eighth. I ready  Moroha for bed. She bathes, and puts on her pjs. She picks out a bedtime story for me to read to her. I read it, and she falls asleep. I give her a kiss on the cheek before leaving her room. 

Ninth. I'm alone. This is the scariest part of my day, as my mind tends to wander. It wanders to places where I don’t want it to. The quiet of our room is suffocating to me, so I often don’t sleep in our bed. I sleep in my office, or the couch. Sometimes, I sit in our backyard, and look up to the sky, hoping I get a sign that you’re up there...that you’re okay. Sometimes I get angry. I shout things into the void. I try to make sense of how our lives were ruined; our future together turned to ashes in 7 short months. 

We were supposed to grow old together. We were going to get a little cabin in the woods after  Moroha left for college, and it would be just us...together. 

Now I’m alone. 

You were my soulmate. My twin  flame . My life is  _ nothing without you,  _ Kagome. 

Nothing. 

All I want is a sign...something...anything. 

Please tell me you hear me, that you can feel me calling for you in some way. 

I’m trying. 

I love you. 

Forever Yours, Inuyasha. 


	4. Letter Four

My Dearest, Kagome 

Everyone we know, keeps telling me to wait. They tell me to wait for the pain to pass. To wait for things to get better. They say eventually it won’t hurt as much or as often. 

I ask myself...when? 

When exactly is it supposed to get better? When is It supposed to pass? When does it stop hurting as much or as often? 

_When, Kagome?_

How much suffering must I endure at your hands? 

At the hands of the Big Man Upstairs? 

I can’t take much more of this. I need you here, by my side. You're my sanity, Kagome. 

What is a man supposed to do without his sanity? Am I supposed to miraculously be able to survive on my own? Is our daughter supposed to forget you ever existed? 

Am I? 

Kagome, your presence is missed in my life more than I think I can put into words. Your laughter, your scent, your kisses, your voice...everything about you is missed. I would give everything I had right now to have you by my side again, Kagome. I’m sorry I didn’t value you when you were here. I apologize for not saying I love you back to you when you left in the morning on that day. I now see it was the biggest mistake I could have possibly made in my life, Kagome. 

I will regret that decision with every fiber of my being for as long as I shall live. I wish I could have given my life for yours...you were always so much stronger than me, mentally...emotionally. You’ve endured so much loss and pain at the hands of me and those around you, and yet you managed to live every day like it was your last; always with a smile on your face, and a heart full of love for everyone around you. I can only hope that our daughter turns out half as amazing, resilient, and strong as you were, Kagome. 

I’m scared Kagome. 

Fatherhood was always hard, even when you were here with me to help. Now that you’re gone, the idea of being a single father pains me. I never wanted our daughter to grow up without a mother. Then again, I don’t think any parent wishes that for their child. I suppose she won’t be completely devoid of any maternal role in her life, though. She will have Sango, and Kaede to help her. 

It’s getting harder and harder to wake up in the morning. 

They always say that things sometimes get harder before they get easier. 

When do things get easier? Do you know? Can you ask god? 

Forever Yours, Inuyasha


	5. Letter Five

My Dearest Kagome, 

I suppose this question my come off as insulting to a woman so well educated as yourself. But, are you familiar with Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs? It was theorized in 1943 by a man named Abraham Maslow (a wise old man, as per usual. From New York this time...not ancient Greece...and a psychologist by those outdated standards... I digress), who theorized this “idea” that in order for one to reach their highest, natural potential...there were certain fundamental things that needed to be in order. The list goes as follows, from first to last: 

Number one: Physiological needs. Now these needs are quite self-explanatory. They include the needs of food...water...warmth, rest. Things that you need, fundamentally in order to survive. Your basic needs. I have all of that, dear, don’t fret. We have food, and water. Our heater works, we rest at night (or at least I try to,  Moroha sleeps like a rock, like you did). This, I am not missing, thankfully. 

Number two: Safety needs. This would include security, shelter. Something that...again, we have. There is nothing missing in this area, we have security, both financially and physically. 

It is the next tier in this pyramid of fundamental needs, where I find myself stuck...and lacking. 

Belongingness & love needs. 

I find myself, more and more...having this feeling of not belonging that wasn’t around when you were here with me. You always made me feel like I belonged. Everywhere I went with you felt like home...I never felt out of place. I know how people look at me...our town is predominately human, I moved here for you, because you promised  me, I would never feel out of place...that our daughter would never feel out of place. 

Yet here I... we...are. Out of place, and alone. Of course, we have Sango,  Miroku and Kaede, we aren’t  _ literally  _ alone per se. But everywhere I go I can’t help but notice the eyes, the whispers, the pointing. I’m generally well respected however, I suppose being a university professor has something to do with it. But the matter still stands. 

Your daughter and I are  _ alone  _ Kagome. We are alone.

We are alone. 

We are alone. 

We are alone. 

_ And I'm alone _ . 

My one, fundamental relationship, that according to Maslow is needed to achieve true self-actualization is gone. 

It was gone the second those 5 bullets entered your body. 

I just didn’t want to admit it. 

Do you know how many nights I have spent sitting in the garden alone, wondering what would have happened if I had just...said I love you that morning? Maybe god wouldn’t have ripped you away from me as violently as he did. 

I can’t help but blame myself for your death. 

It’s my fault I don’t hear your giggles as you scurry down the hall with our daughter. It’s my fault I don’t hear your feet on the creaky floorboards in the early mornings on your way to drink your coffee on the back porch, watching the sun come up.

It’s my fault I cry at night, my face buried into our pillows so our daughter doesn’t hear. 

I’m so sorry. 

I'm so...so...so sorry Kagome. 

I need you here, Kagome. I can’t be ‘okay’ without you here. You always jokingly told me “what would you do without me, my love?” usually after I couldn’t find my car keys, or forgot to make coffee in the morning. 

My days without you, Kagome...are strangely eerie. Everyone says the first few months are the longest in your life, after you lose a loved one. I would argue that in fact, the first year is the hardest. It seems as if every day is cloudy, and it’s not just because we live in a small dreary town at the foot of the mountains. My hours drag on, and on, and on...like waiting in the waiting room at a hospital. 

I feel like I’m constantly waiting for something...in an empty hospital waiting room. Like I’ve somehow entered purgatory without dying. 

There’s no chapter in the marriage handbook that tells you what to do when this happens. There are no life instructions for how to reset yourself and continue on without your partner. 

There’s nothing. 

All I'm left with is this feeling that it’s my fault. 

That I'm alone. 

And that I'm scared. 

Forever Yours, Inuyasha. 


	6. Letter Six

My Dearest, Kagome 

You’ve consumed my waking days, so much so that I find myself losing my train of thought in lectures. You always had that effect on me, though. 

What’s different now, however, is that I see you everywhere. 

I catch glimpses of you in the windows in the hallways, I see you over my shoulder in my offices, I spot you in lectures. 

But I know you  aren’t there,  you’re dead. 

I've never been able to say it before. 

It used to sound so... _vulgar_ to me, that word. 

The word “dead ”.

It sounds so permanent...it  _ is  _ permanent. 

I wish it  wasn’t . 

Our daughter,  Moroha , got her report card today.  She’s done exceedingly well, especially in her mathematics course. She takes after you, in that department. The lord knows I stumble over my numbers an embarrassingly excessive amount. They always troubled me, even when we were in high school. Remember how I barely passed pre-calculus with Mrs. Mett? You got stuck tutoring me after school because no one else wanted to...they thought I was too stupid. 

You  didn’t . 

I finished the year with a high B, all thanks to you, and your constant support.  That’s when we started dating. I fell in love with how your voice sounded when you explained formulas to me, I  didn’t care about. I just wanted to watch you nervously wriggle under my watchful gaze, tucking strands of your hair behind your ears, fidgeting with the eraser on the mechanical pencils. I tried my best to focus, I  didn’t want to waste your time. But...you were so unbelievably beautiful. I mentally kick myself in the head for not trying hard enough to get you in high school. 

We would’ve had so much more time together... I’d still feel like  you’ve been ripped from me, sure. 

But it  wouldn’t hurt this bad,  I’d hope...because .... god _ , Kagome.  _

This hurts so bad, and every day the hurt is  more and more and more . Sometimes I  have to call into work, and say I  can’t make it in today. Sometimes I keep  Moroha home from school so I can spend more time with her on those days. I know you hated when our little girl would lose a day of school; I hate it too. But please  don’t be too mad at me, Kagome. 

She’s all I have left of you. 

She is all I have left. 

Of you. 

And before I know it, our little girl is going to grow up. 

She’ll date. 

She’ll go out with friends. 

Apply to college. 

And before I know it,  I'll be alone...again. 

I’ve been too  despondent since your death to properly care for her. 

Kaede tells me that sometimes I come home from work and sit in my office and stare out of the window into the forest in our backyard...gone from the world. And  Moroha calls for me. 

And  I’m not there to listen. 

To make up for that  I've started to take her out of school some days,  it’s not very often... maybe once every few weeks. We go on hikes, watch movies, eat ice cream, camp out in the garden. I try to give her as much attention as I can on those days. 

To make up for the days when I  can’t be here for her, mentally...physically. 

You still haven’t sent me a sign. 

Leave it to you to procrastinate such a thing. 

Forever yours, Inuyasha. 


	7. Letter Seven

My Dearest Kagome, 

Saying goodbye is hard. Always. There is never a time when it isn’t. 

But it’s even more hurtful when the person you’re saying goodbye to isn’t there anymore. You can’t see their smile as they say it back, you can’t hug them and tell them you’ll miss them. 

You just have to hope they still hear you...somehow.

What boggles me about this world is the following: 

We live in the world where thousand-year-old demons mingle in the very same world as ordinary humans.

And yet when one dies, it’s radio silence. Static. 

There is no reincarnation apparently. There is no way for you communicate. Or at least, the way to communicate hasn’t been discovered yet. 

I don’t know if you can hear me. I don’t know if you can read these. 

I feel, lots of times, that I am writing these in vain. There’s no way you can read them...feel me calling for you in every way possible.

But a small, small part of me believes that maybe you do...hear me. 

Our daughter is becoming restless. Stubborn little lady she is. 

I fear that maybe the time to tell her the truth has to come sooner rather than later. She’s catching on...and that scares me. 

I still haven’t had to tell anyone that you’ve...passed. 

Everyone who I would’ve had to tell were with me that day in the hospital. They watched me drop to my knees when I got the news. They pulled me away from your body when I had to make the decision to...let go. 

They have seen the absolute wreckage that has become my life since you’ve passed and if I...

If I have to sit my daughter...in our garden...and tell her, her mother hasn’t been with us for a year, I will shatter like glass. 

I don’t want to seem like a terrible father. 

But I fear I am. 

What father doesn’t tell their daughter about their mother’s death? 

I should have told her the second you were placed on life support. I should have taken it as a moment to teach her that the world is harsh...and dark...and mean. 

But that you should always remember that there is light in this world, regardless of what happens. 

I should have told her earlier. 

The damage I’ve caused to her by withholding it for so long is...incomprehensible. Our child... will be broken by this. 

And it is all my fault. 

_ I’m sorry.  _

My job, as a parent, is to not cause the one thing that matters more to me than anything in this world, harm. 

And I can’t even  _ fucking  _ do that right. 

I wish I could turn back time and do it earlier...tell her earlier. 

But I can’t. I have to live with the consequence of that, now. 

I wish you could help me; you were always a much better parent than I am... or ever will be. You always knew exactly what to do with Moroha, whereas I...

I have no clue most days. 

This is tiring. 

_ I’m tired.  _

Forever Yours, Inuyasha.


	8. Letter Eight

My Dearest, Kagome 

I took our daughter camping this weekend. She loved it when you were around. 

She still does. 

I took her into the mountains, instead of our usual camping spot near the lake just beyond the forest. She kept yelling at me to go farther up the mountain. But I didn’t. 

I didn’t want to go back to that spot, Kagome. 

Where I proposed...you know which one I'm talking about. 

At the very top of the mountain, where the little town we live in looks like tiny little rocks. 

Where it’s so silent you can hear a pin drop. 

I still remember that night like it was yesterday. 

It was nighttime, and the only light around us was the light of the campfire...illuminating your soft face. I remember being so nervous, I kept going in and out of our tent, and you kept giving me funny looks. I kept touching my pocket to make sure it was there. 

You looked beautiful that day. I mean you look beautiful everyday...but that day, when you were looking over your shoulder at the shadows of the mountains that loomed farther up than we were, you were especially beautiful. 

You looked beautiful even as you cried and pulled on my tufts of hair repeatedly saying yes to me asking you to marry me. 

You looked beautiful even when eyes closed to lean forward and kiss you. 

I didn’t want to ruin the memory of that place with our daughter crying. Because... 

Because I told her. 

I didn’t tell her right away, I waited until a few days into our camping trip. We went camping for 4 days. 

I told her on day three. I told her around midday, as she helped me gather wood for our fire. I paused for a while, and looked up the mountain, and she asked why I had stopped. 

I sat down. 

She did as well. She watched me play with the ends of my hair. 

“Daddy you do that every time you’re nervous.” 

I laughed because you would point it out every time, I was nervous and denied it. 

She’s so much like you, in that respect. 

Always calling me out. 

I asked her if she had ever questions where you were, even as I kept providing answers as to where you were. 

She said she had...sometimes. 

I explained to her, in the best possible way, your passing. 

I watched her face go from neutral....to confused...to sad....and then back to confused. 

She asked again and again for me to repeat myself. 

“Mommy isn’t coming home anymore, baby.” I’d said. “Mommy...mommy is in a better place now. She’s not here, physically...but she will always be with you spiritually.” 

She knows what being in a better place means...we had to say goodbye to our pet shortly after your passing, Kagome. 

She cried, and cried, and cried. 

I tried my best to comfort her, but she kept wriggling out of my grasp. 

I let her grieve in whatever wat she saw fit, Kagome. 

Just because I can’t grieve the way I would like to doesn’t mean our child can’t either. But. I’m not sure how I can help her...Kagome. 

She’s...I... _we’re_ completely broken. 

The house is quieter. 

She’s quieter...as if a spark in her eyes has been.... extinguished. 

And it’s my fault. 

I wish I had told her sooner. 

Now I have to pick up her pieces...while constantly dropping mine. 

I’m sorry. 

I love you, my dear. 

Forever Yours, Inuyasha. 


	9. Letter Nine

My Dearest, Kagome

You sent me a sign today, didn’t you? I just barely looked up to the night sky in time to see it...but I saw it, Kagome. 

I saw  **_ you _ ** . 

It is rare to see a shooting star in these parts, it is not because of the air pollution here (we are too small of a town for that to be a factor) but because of the forest...the trees that loom over all of us like watchful gods; it is even rarer to see such a big, bright one...like the one I saw just a few hours ago. Whenever we would spend time in the garden at night, you always told me about how much you love seeing shooting stars...and I loved seeing how giddy you got on the rare  occasions we caught them. 

So, when I saw this one... _ you _ ... I caught myself whispering your name into the dark; the forest seeming to hold onto my words, snuffing your name. My heartbeat sped up, and my breathing became heavy. 

I sobbed, for what seemed like hours alone in our garden. I let myself grieve repeatedly over you. Every time I thought I was done and wiped my tears away; they came back again stronger than before. I feel numb,  there's this unshakeable stillness within me that does not seem to go away, even when I am “happy .”

The truth is, Kagome, I  haven’t been happy in quite some time since your passing . 

I seem to be running on autopilot since you left us; every day is the same. I try not to show too much, though. I am all  Moroha , our daughter, has left. 

And she is all I have left. 

I’m trying so hard to keep fighting for her. She already is growing up without a mother, lord knows she  can’t grow up without a father as well. 

She has not spoken much to me since I told her the truth about you, and where you are. I would not want to talk to me either if I were her. She only talks to Kaede now, which I suppose is better than nothing. I kept her home for a few days after I told her, I tried everything I could to get at the very least a tug at her lips. But nothing seemed to work. 

I feel hopeless. 

I  _ am  _ hopeless. 

I regret not telling  Moroha sooner. When she came into this  world, I vowed to never be the reason our little girl felt so heart broken, and  I've already managed to break that vow. 

I also told you, when we were married, that I would protect you with my life if I had to. 

I broke  that vow too. 

I suppose... that’s all  I’m good for. 

I break promises, hurt those around me, and try my hardest to make up to them, only for me to realize that the damage  I’ve caused them is far too much for a few simple apologies to fix. 

I really, really, really  _ fucked up  _ Kagome. 

I’m so sorry. 

I am the only one to blame for the broken little girl in my care. 

I am the only one to blame for your death. 

My sadness. 

_ Everything...is my fault.  _

Forever Yours, Inuyasha. 


	10. Letter Ten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so happy to announce that this little fic of mine has been nominated for a FeudalConnection award for Best Angst! I'm so incredibly grateful to all of you for loving this fic and taking the time out of your busy lives to read it! 
> 
> Nominations end the 15th of this month, so remember to show love to your favorite creators and their content by nominated them! 
> 
> XOXO

My Dearest, Kagome 

I visited your grave today. 

I am writing to you as I sit beside your headstone.

I dug my fingers into the soft, moist soil as if it would somehow reconnect me with you. As if by some miracle you would reach out to me. 

As if by some miracle you would reach out to me, and with cold fingers grip my hand like you would always do. 

I was inspired by the sign you sent me to come see you again, although I hadn’t been here in quite some time. I hadn’t been here since your burial and quite frankly I didn’t want to come back. Coming here brings back memories that I’d prefer to never remember again...like when I broke down and cried at your casket. How Sesshomaru had to hold me up to prevent me from collapsing on my knees. 

I didn’t bring our daughter. 

She’s still...processing her feelings. 

She cries at night, and misses you dearly, and I do as well. I’m trying to be patient with her, as I would like (and hope) people to be patient with me during this. I’ve never been a particularly patient person. I find myself at times getting frustrated with our daughter. 

And then I hate myself. 

Because I recognize that I kept your passing from her for a year before I worked up the courage to tell her. 

I  _ broke  _ her...and because of that I have no right to be upset with her. I never had a right to anyways. 

Work has been cumbersome as of late. It’s partly (read: all of) my fault, I still struggle focusing on my work since you were ripped away from me. I say ripped away because that’s exactly what you were; you were ripped away from me. 

You were shot  dead and left to bleed on the floor of the arts and science department floor. I don’t call that passing away, I call that murder. I call that being ripped away from your life. 

_ Our  _ life. 

I’m not sure how many more times I can say I miss and love you but…I miss you, and I love you. 

I always will love you. 

Forever Yours, Inuyasha.


End file.
